Let it go, let it go…
My fears to live into last month circled around the experience of letting go. What I came to realize is that so much of letting go is my own desire to find some semblance of control. Control for me seemed to be an indicator of stability, of clarity rather than ambiguity and a level of calm. Hmmm, well, not so much!
I was building up to an anniversary of a fracture in a personal relationship of mine and I wanted that day to be appointment free, peaceful, free from obligations because I thought I would need to cry, to scream, to break. I woke up that day, put on my coat of armor and readied myself to brave the emotions and the duress. I rested, I meditated, I found myself on my yoga mat breathing and connecting with my heart. I did not cry, I did not scream, I did not break. The day came and went, and I felt relief. Then I thought…why would I place such emphasis on leaving space to recognize an event that caused suffering and turmoil and doubt? What kind of control is this? Why not honor me by not acknowledging the doubt that resulted from that event? Why not honor myself with rest or laughter? Hell…why not honor myself with a great meal, an energizing walk outside, a great top-of-my lungs singing session to experience the power of choice and the power of healing. I found my breath again that day and thanked it for propelling me to overcome, to love and to be. That felt like freedom.
Another aspect of letting go, that I am happy to report also worked itself out, was the case of a mother (yep, me!) of a senior in high school wanting to control said senior’s college process. Having kids going through e-learning is nothing short of miserable. They are so resilient and ultimately doing the best they can, but I worry. I worry about their mental health, their motivation, and their development. My son, who is a phenomenal kid, was on the later side of applying for colleges. He already had his choices narrowed down, received his teacher recommendations, and completed all the application questions, but had yet to cross the finish line with his college essay. Now this son of mine is cool as cucumber, I’ve called him my Zen baby ever since he was born. On the shy side, but quietly confident and generally with a plan in mind, even if he doesn’t express it for the world (or his mom) to hear. He waited, and I inquired. He waited some more, and I inquired some more. “Do you want me to read it, honey? Do you want your counselor to ready it, honey? Do you want anyone on the planet to read it, honey?” Every time the answer was “No, thanks. I’ve got it covered.” After several attempts I finally resigned myself to sit tight and just let it go. To trust in the process. More accurately, to trust in his process. That is the least I could do for a kid who is coming into his own during a pandemic. I realized finally that this was independence and development showing itself right before my very eyes.
After getting those apps and essays in, he heard back within a week from all his choices. They all want him and gave him the most competitive academic merit scholarships to prove it. I let go and he soared and what mama could hope for better than that? Now I continue the process of letting go as he takes his time with a decision! Deep breaths; practice makes progress.
After the college acceptances were in and I let my extended family know, I went back and forth on whether to tell a dear friend of mine who has recently found herself facing many struggles with family death, illness and compounding challenges that won’t let up. She is a beautiful person for whom I deeply respect, and I didn’t want to take away from her processing to deliver this happy news. Was I throwing our joy in her face? Would she be upset? Once again, I let it go. I wanted to honor our friendship by sharing this news. She cares for my son, she cares for our family. I told myself she would want to know. And if I am wrong, I can respect that and accept that boundary because she is important to me and I love her. The communication was made, the congratulations were given along with the genuine thanks that I included her in the news sharing. I cannot control someone’s reactions. Why on earth would I expect that? What I can control is my showing of empathy and support when it matters and for believing in the power of sharing with those closest to me; the joys and the pain. That’s just plain love.
Clearly, I had a lot of perspectives about control that don’t add up. So now I let those notions go. I’m learning. Isn’t that the real goal in the end?
Let it go, let it go, Beautiful Ones.
